The Threat Of Darkness
by Lupin3Black
Summary: Muggle au; when Sirius died. Remus was left to spiral into the darkness. But now, at the age of 31, he's ready to face t.


I'm insane. They tell me I'm mad. MENTAL. That I'm a danger to society. I'm no use to the world so they lock me up. My friends slowly depart , promising to return but failing. My mind crumbles, I'm left clinging to the edge. I'm not exactly sure anymore. About anything. I've been told that I'll never leave.

I think I believe them.

I'm slowly spiralling under. Letting the waves of illness and take me down, I'm not sure it's worth even anymore. My mother came to see me, to apologise.

To say goodbye.

I know I am dying. I am insane, not stupid. But I have no idea whether or not it's my own doing. Or yours.

It all started when you died Sirius. When you left me, and you took James and Lily with you in that crash and left me as the survivor. HOW COULD YOU THINK I COULD SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU! I was fine for a while, I was grieving and it was normal. People expected me to grieve for my loved ones.

They expected me to grieve for my husband.

I watched as everything I ever had circle in the whirlpool, I knew if I tried. The littlest bit, that I could reach out and save it all, put my life back on track. I didn't want to. I failed you Sirius. FAILED. I promise you. When you died on that Halloween night. When you wasted your last breath to tell me one more time you loved me. I died with you.  
Figuratively of course. Blood still pumped in my veins. Oxygen still forced its way into my lungs. But when your heartbeat felt still, your eyes glassed over. You took me with you.

I lay down, on the tarmac, curled into your cooling body, amongst the glass and metal, I closed my eyes. I waited for darkness to come. I was frightened. Terrified, even. Crystal like tears fell from my eyes but I wanted, no needed to follow you.

I didn't.

I'm not afraid anymore.

I can still see your death, it rewinds itself over and over in my mind, the crash as we collided with the truck. Your laughing face switching to shock seconds before your flung from the seat and sent tumbling to the Tarmac. I remember screaming, I think it was mine as Lily and James had gone by this point.

I crawled to you. My legs were broken, did you know that? But I still had to go to you. I cradled your face in my hands, rested your head in my lap. Crying, begging. PLEADING! For you to stay with me. But it was no use, you'd already stopped fighting the darkness and you whispered you loved me and youLEFT.

I get dreams sometime. About what we could've had. I can see our old flat. I wonder who lives there now. I can see you dancing about in your threadbare dressing gown and me laughing. I wonder what they did with our stuff? I've still got the dressing gown. I'm wearing it right now, can you see? Putting my arms around your waist and kissing you softly. I knew you wanted to adopt, and I can see us with a girl. Because that's what you wanted. We're happy.

The dreams are worse than the nightmares sometimes.

I don't feel happy anymore. Just-just empty. As if someone's taken all the good things in my life and left me as a hollow shell.

Harry visited me once, when he was about six. He was living with Severus. You would of hated that, wouldn't of you? But he was nice, didn't say much. He brushed my hair though and didn't mock me. He seemed near tears if I'm honest. But he didn't call me CRAZY. or MAD.

But I know I am.

I think I scared Harry but he still hugged me, a lot. He was sweet. Looked a lot like James. I was proud of him. I wanted to hug him back but my arms hung limply by hands. He got into the same boarding school we went to. Did you know? Yeah, he's a Grffyndor just like us. It was where we met. I wonder if you can remember that? I can, but just barely.

I'm dying Sirius, I remember when I was scared of dying. TERRIFIED at what would happen, where I would go. I used to shake and shiver at night because of it, and you would hold me in your warm embrace. Tell me I was being silly and that I was never going to die. It was silly, but I believed you because it was YOU who said it.

When I'm afraid now, WHERE ARE YOU? All I have to hold me is memories and a straight-jacket.

Because I'm mad.

Mental.

Insane.

Dangerous.

Patient.

I'm not scared now Sirius. I'm a big boy now babe. There's mounds of doctors and nurses running around me. Trying to save me. I can hear my mother sobbing. My sister wailing. Harry's there too, he's 16 now. But he's not making any noise but silent tears are making their way down his pale face. I want to apologise to them all. But I can't.

Your there. I can feel you. And your arms are open and your positively beaming. Your dressed in the leather jacket you adored so much and the converse boots I used to own. Your yelling for me , screaming my name. I want to run to you.

I will.

I always have.

I'm not afraid of the darkness anymore Sirius. All I want is you. Q


End file.
